by Tsuru

I am a guide for Lowlands Hunting Safaris. Have been for the past 6 years or so.

During this time I’ve had my fair share of bizarre incidents (some totally unrelated to hunting), which one has to deal with. Dented egos, buck fever, the once a year “know all” hunters, lost tempers, rudeness and the like – it all comes with the territory. Of course I’ve also had the humble, the willing to learn, the keen and the serious hunter, which is an absolute pleasure. (Far more of these than the former – thank God!)

The following event relates to a long standing client, wrong side of fifty (and really beginning to feel it), who hunts with us 2 or 3 times a year. Besides the unfitness issue he is a pleasure to be with –great sense of humour, competent shot, who has been hunting for a number of years and knows his way around the bush. Always takes a number of animals with us and never seriously complains. I have only guided him on one other occasion and we had great fun taking a good wildebeest bull – an event which has its own story! In a nutshell, your usual normal client – in need of some R & R and to get away from work and the city.

So how’s this ?

Arriving with us on Thursday he had spent all day walking with another guide, looking for a kudu cow. It had not been a good day and by Thursday evening (when I met up with him) he was tired, a bit sore, and certainly not in the brightest of moods. Suddenly all the game we had on our concession had either gone or was on the run – absolute doom and gloom !! The boss assigned me to find him a kudu cow the following day, and after trying another concession, we were able to get him a good one within a few hours ---- Viola ! – all of a sudden the game was back, the smile was back, and the hunt took on a new dimension!

“I want a couple of impala rams” he told me over a cup of tea back at the lodge, so it was out again at about 1.30pm.

Now remember this – it is early July, the season is in full swing, the animals are getting real wise to the presence of camouflage and people with guns and shooting sticks. It’s getting increasingly difficult to outsmart melampus, and with an unfit client, I knew my work was cut out for me !

And you all know what it is like – when you need a bit of luck and for things to go your way – well – its called sods law!! Careful stalk, animal begins walking, sticks set up, whistle, animal stops, client ready…… branch covering his shoulder !!!! Makes you want to spit!!

I had a couple of those that day and was getting increasingly frustrated. And so it was that about 4.45pm I noticed a group of about 6 rams – in the open , but some distance away. Time was of the essence as we would have darkness in about 30 – 40 minutes. In my eagerness I set off after them, only to remember my client! He was battling to keep up. I lightened his load by taking his rifle – no difference. As we were closing the distance, so the rams kept walking away – a hopeless situation! In desperation I set the sticks, got him on and ask him to find the biggest ram in his scope. At that moment they stopped and there we were – about a 250metre shot – uphill.

Now my client is no slouch when it comes to shooting, so I figured this would be a good test . 30-06 with 180grainers – no problem! In urgent discussion we agree on an aiming point (allowing for bullet drop). He gets himself set and I am getting ready for the shot. “Take your time “ I whisper – and the tension mounts!

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, the bloody Nokia ringtone sounds.

My client’s flippin phone is ringing !

I silently cast my eyes to the heavens – this can’t be happening to me !!

My question is – what would you, as a client, have done?

Well I’ll tell you what mine did……..

He asks me to hold the rifle (still on the sticks), and ANSWERS the call !! (Whaaat? I hear you say)

And what do I hear you might ask?

I’ll tell you that too……

“Hello darling …….. yes well thankyou……. No I’m trying to shoot an impala ……”

And so the conversation went – It was his WIFE for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!

I swear those impala were laughing as they ambled off --- or was it the finger with their upended tails ?!!

I thought I had seen it all – clearly I still have a way to go !